| Pressure. 'you're smart, do something with yourself', 'why do you waste your time with that music thing?', 'dont you know men dont like women with tattoos?', 'you'll never get a job that way', 'i love you. i need you. oh yeah, i fucked my x girlfriend', 'you'd be so pretty if..'. *screaming*
i'm tired. i've been studying my ass off to take a test that i really dont even care about. sure, if i score well its just another number i can add to my good test scores. its just something that i'm wasting a lot of time and money on i think. even if i do well on the test i really dont want to attend medical school. sure, it will be the 'greater good'. i can help people, which i want to do. its good money. its 'established'. i just dont know. truth is, i dont know what i want to do with my life. sorry, but i dont. and i have this roof of pressure collapsing on me because i feel i have to save the whole fucking world and support everyone.
' i was married by the time i was your age..' really? well thats good for YOU. incase you havent noticed..i'm neurotic! i cant stand 97% of people that i meet. i have issues with relationships. i'm terrified of finally trusting someone then getting that feeling that i need them and then getting fucked by that person. its happened too often and i'm just done.
what do i want? i dont know. when i find it i hope it comes with a big flashing sign with big red lights and arrows pointing me where i need to go. i'm scared. and i know that i'm an adult and i should have this all under control but i dont. there is so much that i want to do in life that i just cant pick one thing and go with it. music, books, film, politics, religion, sex, scientific advancement, and yes i am interested in the medical field. people spend so much time picking out my faults and telling me what to do and how to live my life that they dont notice the good in me and the things that i've done.
i'm a very simple person. it doesnt take much to make me happy. everything i do i give 110%. i fully commit myself to things even if i know there is a good chance that it will fail. i give anything i can to help out those who need it. and i usually end up as someone's doormat. but thats okay. if thats what they need to validate themselves then thats fine by me. truth is, i'm happy the way i am. i'm happy tattooed. i'm happy not being the prettiest/skinniest girl in the room. i'm happy being as intelligent as i am. i'm happy with my jobs and my station in life. just let me be. point out some of my good points instead of tearing me down to make yourself feel better. its pathetic. and if you think that by downing me and pushing me that its going to make me work harder and all that other shit, well, you're dead wrong. the only thing that it gets me is low self-esteem and an empty sense of what happiness is. i dont think that happiness is a great big house with a lot of cars and the best of the best. i dont need a million people around me who only care about how established i am and how much money i have. i dont need the bigger, better deal. i just dont. to me, the best feelings in the world are very simple. being with a friend and knowing that they are glad that i'm there. even if we arent doing anything other than just sitting there. coming home to see my dog about wiggle herself in two because she is so happy that i've come back to her. sitting and talking about stupid shit for no good reason. spending hours losing myself in a book store. the comforting buzz of a tattoo machine then that split second of the anticipation right before the needles hit and that second of releif after they do. being at a concert to hear the same thing you've heard a million times so loud that you cant breathe. and having hundreds of other people in the same room with the same feeling. friends busting into my house to take me out to some lame party until 4 am when they know i have to be up for work at 5. having my options open. i'm not content and i'm okay with that. what does all this get me? not too much. i can pay my bills, i'm generally healthy, i have people around me who actually care that i'm breathing.
i've lost sight of my point. i'm just irritated. i dont want to live up to your standard. stop trying to tie strings to me and manipulate me into what you couldnt acieve yourself and you're putting it on me. i'm not killing anyone, i'm not raping children, i dont steal, i dont lie, i dont cheat. so why not just let me be? if you want to make assumptions about me thats fine. you'll probably be wrong. dont try to drag me into your drama. i dont want it. i dont need it. compared to a lot of people i know i'm doin pretty damn good. i just have to remember to breathe. |
